Selections In Marriage
While selecting the bride, you have to find three qualities in the bride.
- Human Nature (insaniyath) She should be sensitive to human nature sober, patient, honest patient good natured, truthful, trust worthy, faithful, compassionate, compatibility.
- Faith in Allah (Imaniath) She should have strong faith in Allah and teachings of the Prophet Mohammed (A.W.) and strong belief in life after death with Taqwa she will surely be disciplined in life and take forward the discipline to offsprings.
- Faminity (Niswaniath) She should have the qualities of a lady, soft spoken, delicate, presentable in person obedient to husband and preentable to the society. She should not be dominant, behaving like 'tom boy'.
Allah has ordained her husband as a degree above her and he is the leader of the family. She has to accept this as her Iman demands this. Still there could be exceptions to this rule. Sometimes, the husband may be lazy or disabled, or sick and may not be able to support the family. She may have to take charge to earn for the livelihood and promote the family.
Intentions in selecting life partner and its results.
- Whoever seeks prestige and status through marriage, will later achieve disgrace.
- Who so ever seeks wealth and property, will get poverty and penury.
- Whoever marries so that his passions are safe his sexual urges are controlled. He is compassionate. Allah will keep the couple prosperous and successful.
People selecting the bride, seek beauty in her as the priority. There by the boy marrying her will go about exhibiting the prized possession. After marriage the some boy wants the bride to behave with good manners. The boys parents seek wealth family of the bride. So that she may bring lot of 'Jehez', Jewelry gifts etc. There after, when the girl from the wealthy family comes to their house, she may not be comfortable in their house very often she may be visiting her parents house. Finally, she may 'hijack' her husband to her parent's house. All this because the boy's parents did not seek character, religion, good family in selecting the bride. The marriage may fail. Because the boy may not be comfortable in wifes parents house. There will be disharmony in the family inspite of enough wealth.
Selection of Bridegroom
The parents of the girl have to seek the same points. 1) Humanity, 2) Imaan, 3) Manliness
Humanity: The boy should have clean human nature. He should be supportive to the weak, generous, sympathic forgiving. He cannot be cruel and wicked.
Imaniath: The boy should have strong faith in Allah Rasool and life after death. Thereby his life will be disciplined due to his Taqwa.
Manliness: He should be strong, health, bold supportive, assertive, devoted to family protective.
These are some of the good qualities to find in selecting boy. Usually parents of the girl see that the bridegroom is from a very wealthy family, very richer than them. If the boys family is very rich, then the girl coming to their house, may not have respect in their house. She will be looked down and treated as a 'Second Class', 'Low Class'. Thereby the girl will be frustrated.
Some parents of the girl want the boy to be married from abroad N.R.I. If the boy is from a foreign country there will be no need to give Jehez etc. Again, there will be no 'Saas' Bahu' or In-law's problem. Their daughter will be free and alone with the husband. In such a case, if the boy dumps the girl in his parents home, as he cannot get visa or accommodation or the boy's parents may keep the bride, so that their son regularly sends the money direct to them. Thereby the girl will remain in boy's parents house serving them. The boy may come once a year and go back.
Another risk is, the boy may have some affair with a girl in his work place. His parents, coming to know of it, will will fix a quick marriage to break the affair. The boy is coming next month on a months holiday. "Quick marriage – no demands' will be advertised. Gullible parents of the girl will fall in their trap, so it is better to see "known devil is better than unknown angle".
Some parents seek a boy with a small family or no family. So that their daughter will have no 'Saas Bahu' tension. But, in case there is a tension in the relationship of the couple, whom to approach for solution. If there are elders in the boy's family behind him, they may advise the boy and control his misbehavior.
Girl not suitable
- Only daughter of the parents. She may be pampered spoiled child, over protected. She may expect the same treatment from the husband and in-laws, after her marriage. After marriage, the girl becomes wife, then mother. Her duties start as a wife, and as a mother after child birth. She cannot remain as loving daughter all the time. She has to take responsibilities of life as life goes on.
- The girl should not be uneducated. She will be uncomfortable in the society. She has to guide her children in their education and bringing up. Mother's lap is the first school for the child. Nowadays schools are asking the qualification of mother during child's admission in the school.
- The girl's parents should not be richer than boy's. Otherwise the girl will not be comfortable in the in-laws.
- The girl should not be extremely beautiful. There may be too many contenders, admirers for her. Her husband may loose his value in her eyes. I have learnt this from a function. I attended in a college function in America. I saw many college professors who came with their wives, were not beautiful. I asked my host who took me to the function, why. She said that beautiful girls have too many contenders, admirers. They may not have much value to their husbands. The above remarks are general observations. There will be exceptions.
Boys not suitable for marriage
- Sons of very rich people not educated. Sons of powerful people, politician, with no other profession. Sons of very rich people will be spoilt with plenty of wealth to spend and bad company and vehicles at hand. Girl's parents think that plenty of wealth will keep their daughter happy. Wealth does not get love and mercy. The in-laws may not respect their daughter in-law out of pride of wealth.
- N.R.I from abroad, claiming big job and big income, big degree, want quick marriage and no demands, you have no time to verify his claims.
- Boy from a big joint family. After marriage, there will be a big competition among the 'bahoos', which Bahoo brought more 'Jehez and gold', who is more beautiful. Whose husband is earning more. It is never ending competition. Need to be enquired.
- Boys claiming doctors, engineers, we cannot ask them to show their degrees to verify. Boys claiming to have big business. We don't know how much loan they have in their dealings.
- Unknown family of the boy, without knowing the family background of the boy, you may be cheated one day. I have seen many families were cheated by the false claims of the boys. They come from nowhere and claim that they are doctors, business agents etc. One person came to Sholapur and opened a clinic and claimed he is a doctor. He sent for the marriage brokers to find a bride for him. One respectable family came forward to offer. Later, he said he has selected their daughter to marry. When asked about his parents, he said his parents are too old and bed ridden. He is the one to finales the marriage deal. The girls parents were glad that their daughter will be free from in-laws problem. The marriage was performed. The doctor and his bride planned to go on a honeymoon trip to Bombay. The girl got all her Jewelry along with her as they had to meet by parties in Bombay. On return journey, he stopped in Poona to meet a friend. The bride waited in waiting room. The doctor went out to phone call to his friend and disappeared. The girl waited till noon and took the next train to Sholapur to her parent. Thereafter two years, he was spotted in Chennai by the girls relatives and caught him and called the parents of the girl. Thereby the girl got divorced.
Thus, it is advisable to both the parents of boy and girl to profusely enquire about them from their friends, neighbours, college mates as far as possible and leave the result to Allah.
Let not good points over shadow the bad points in selection. One example: one of the girls parents were enquiring about the boy. It was found that the boy was a debaucheres fellow. The girls father was satisfied that the boy is real 'man' (not impotent) fully tested. The boys family was very rich and so the girls father did not want to miss the rich boy. In all cases, the biggest looser is the girl. The marriage brakes, she becomes second hand.