Age Of The Boy And The Girl Fit To Marry
There is a hadees saying: - you have to make hurry in three things
- Hurry in performing Namaz. You have to perform Namaz with earliest priority.
- After the death of a person we have to hasten to bury the body. There should be no delay.
- As the boy or the girl reach their age of maternity, the parents have to marry them earliest.
As per the above hadees, the parents of the boy/girl are required to get them married earliest. There is a wisdom in it. As a child the boy or girl will be playful. But when they get maturity in body, their playing stops and they seek body pleasures, such as eating, music hearing, seeing, making friends, getting aware of the sex organs. Due to this they get interest in opposite sex persons. May be, their class mates, school mates, cousins, neighbours. This craving, this urge is quite natural. The earlier part of their maturity age, it is very potent. They will settle for any body or anything. If they get into bad company, they are lost. But if they are guided by parents or teachers or councilors', and diverted their forceful energy into any hobby or body exercise, they will overtake the situation. The parents/guardians have to be alert and be guiding them. Otherwise, they will find their gratification in the gutter. To save this situation, the above hadees has prescribed early marriage. Thereby, if boy or girl will have ready gratification at hand and legally and approved by parents.
In our present day society, usually parents wait for their boy/girl to complete graduation. Again the parents wait for the boy to start earning by getting job. So that the boy earns enough to meet the expencess of marriage. Go the boy wants to complete the post graduation, so that he can earn more. After that they start searching for a job. This way the age of the boy may reach 30 years. At this age if they start searching for his bride, they have to settle for a girl of 25 to 26 years age. At that age, the girl will be more matured mentally. They will think of their own future partners. They will take interview of the boy. "What is your salary, what is your hobby. Do you have own house etc." They may not agree adopt the life style of the boy's parents. If the girl is of small age like 18-20 years she may adopt any situation and be comfortable in in-laws.
There is another aspect of the delay in boy's marriage. His sister has to be married first. Keeping unmarried sister, brother cannot be married. Searching for the groom for the sister may take long time, even years. Till then the brother had to wait. Sometimes, the age of the brother may cross 30 years and beyond. After that, the boy has to compromise in selecting the gint for him. It is wrong, whoever gets ready for marriage, has to be married. Otherwise, if there is delay in marriages, there will be compromise in getting good match. We have to forego all old believes which hamper fixing marriage of boys and girls in the families.
Same thing affects the selection of the boy for the girl. The parents of the girl wait till the give completed her graduation. It may take her age 22 to 24 year. Then they start searching for the groom for her. If the girl is a doctor, only doctor boy may choose her. Other boys would not like to marry a doctor girl. There by the list for selecting the groom will become short. Similarly engineering studied girl will be selected by engineer boys. They have to search more to get the desired boys. Still, there is another group of people who want to marry 'working girls'. They want money making wives. To that they can amass more wealth through wife. Whereas quran says, husband is the bread winner of the family and not the wife. Even if the wife gets any income through any source, neither the husband nor his parents have any right to touch her income, not even ask the account of it. all the gifts in cash and gold she got in marriage, it is her property. This is Islam. If they believe in Islam quran and day of Judgment for accountability, they have to accept this belief. Do not accept offers from people who want 'working women' for marriage. It is another thing if the wife willingly offers any money to the husband seeing the situation. you may educate your daughter and make her doctor or engineer, lawyer. But after marriage, if her husband or her in-laws do not send her for job, what will happen. Still if the girl gives birth to one or two children, she cannot leave them to others, even grand parents, what a waste of money energy, time spent to make the engineers, doctors lawyers.
Hence, do not delay the marriage of son or daughter for any reason, either for daughter's marriage or any relative coming from abroad. Marriage is a simple affair in the family, when boy and girl get ready for marriage. When boy or girl come of age, it is parents responsibility to find a suitable match and go ahead with the ceremony. It is as simple as when you buy a house and register it. You don't call a thousand guests and relatives and celebrate. People want to show their richness to others and through lavish parties.
There are many boys and girls marriageable age languishing in their homes remaining unmarried just because their parents cannot afford to celebrate marriage with big dinner parties and other ceremonies. We are Muslims and we are supposed to follow Prophet Mohammed's example of life. If the marriages are delayed either for financial reasons or other reasons mentioned above, they may seek their sex gratification in the 'gutter'. Parents will be responsible for this situation. They could be involved in some affair with someone on the road side. Without getting them married, if you send your boy/girl to study abroad, very soon you will get a phone call that they are settled with someone in his / her work place. All your future plans for them will be shattered.
As soon as your daughter reaches the age of around 20-22 you should start searching for their match. Don't bother about further education or completing graduation. She could complete her degree or other education even after marriage. Usually, it will take one or two years to get the desired boy for your girl. By that time she can finish her education. Do not go in for boys who seek 'working women' for marriage. They want their wife to earn money for them. Whereas, Islam wants man to be the provider and supporter of wife. Both man and his wife should lead a contented life with what ever the husband could earn. Parents of the girl should see whether the boy to be married is capable of earning enough to lead a comfortable life. After marriage, the bride will bring 'Barkath' from Allah, to the family. So also, the children born to the married couple will bring Barkath. Allah has promised in quran. It depends on how much Imaan belief you have in the promise of Allah. Yet, parents of the girl should give good training in her life matters, so that she could cope up with any eventuality. I have seen many girls who were doctors, engineers, earning good salaries, they had to abandon their jobs after one or two babies born. Nothing in the world could replace a 'Mother' in the world to the child, not even the father or grand parents, nurse. Nothing in the world is precious to the mother than her child. At the age of 20 to 24 years, the girl will be very attractive. During this period she could be easily selected by any good boy. After 25 years age, she will slowly loose her charm and be less attractive. After that it will be an uphill task to find a suitable match for them. She may be more mature and assertive. Many parties will be coming to see her.
They will go away without giving any reply. She will become a 'show piece'. The boy's parents ask her very uncomfortable questions during her interview. They measure her height, inspect her hairs whether real or artificial. Ask her to walk, so as to find whether limping or not. It is just like inspecting an animal before buying. Still, they go away without approval. After doing lot of window shopping, they settle for the 'highest bidder'. Character, good family, religion are all given 'goodbye'. With behaviour of the boy's family who come to see the girl, the girls who are aged above 25 get frustrated. They resist such 'shows'. Sometimes they refuse to come out before the boys parent's parents for 'show'. Whereas if the girls are arranged to marry early by 20 or 22 years, this situation will not arise. They will go and settle down well in the in-laws house and adjust to their way of life. The first step for the interview of the girl should be first send the photo of the girl to the parents of the boy. If they approve it, next move, show the girl outside the house like in some hotel or some mall or showroom without the knowledge of the girl. If they still approve the girl, invite the parents of the boy to your house for the interview. Otherwise, if you allow every party to see your daughter, people will come and go away without giving reply. Your daughter may be frustrated and get depressed. "Nobody is selecting me yet, try your best methods to get the match for your daughter, leave the results to Allah. 'Tawakal' Quran says in SurathRoom (19)-(20). It is among the signs that Allah has created you and out of you created your mate, ------------" Allah has taken the responsibility of your birth, death, provision and marriage. Still you are supposed to work hard to get food, to give birth, to select and search for the match for your children.
While selecting the life partner, both the boy and the girl should seek the approval of the parents and elders. They are your real well wishers. With all their experience in life, they will be able to guide you to select the best choice. They have seen many success and failures of marriages. It is a matter of life time. Present day love marriages are pointing to this. The boy and the girl meet due to infatuation. They will be in a hurry to marry. The girl does not see whether the boy is able to earn enough to start a family and maintain her. The boy does not see whether the girl is capable of managing the family. After they get married, they see the there colours of each other. The boy has to earn to feed her. Later on, they start quarreling. Marriage ends in one or two years. Both the parties return back to parents. Had they cared to follow the advice of their parents, they would have been better off. If you want to buy a car, you seek the advice of a car mechanic who has car experience. He will guide you. Just seeing the colour and looks of the car, you will not buy a car. Similarly, if a boy approaches a girl and propose to marry her, she has to get the advice of the parents. They will enquire whether he is from a good family, whether he is capable of earning well and maintaining the family, whether he has any bad habit or bad company.
First of all, the girls should not get involved with any boys. It will result in these situations. Their reputation will be spoilt. If people come to know of their affair with the other boy, nobody will get ready to marry her. Even after marriage, if her husband come to know her affair, the marriage will break. So Beware! The parents of the girls should give precaution to their daughters to keep away from boys, either school maters or cousins or neighbors.
To repeat the Hadees,
- Hasten to perform namaz.
- Hasten to bury the dead body.
Hasten to get married to your mature children.